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In a Tiny Buddha essay, psychotherapist Steve Hauptman argues that people cannot get everything right at once: gaining control in one part of life often means giving it up elsewhere. He describes learning to treat those tradeoffs as choices rather than proof of personal failure, while making clear the piece is a personal reflection, not a reported study or new clinical finding.
Psychotherapist and author Steve Hauptman argues in a Tiny Buddha essay that people cannot manage every responsibility and desire at once, and that treating the resulting tradeoffs as failure can add to frustration. He illustrates the point with personal examples, including a hospital visit that prompted him to accept waiting rather than fight circumstances he could not control.
Hauptman frames life as a Rubik’s Cube: concentrating on one side can leave other sides scrambled. In practical terms, he says, spending time with family can limit time for work, writing or chores; social plans can conflict with personal goals. The essay presents these as everyday choices with competing demands, rather than as problems that can always be solved through better organization.
He identifies what he calls three paradoxes of control. In his account, needing control can leave a person feeling less in control; attempts to control other people can prompt resistance; and gaining control in one area may mean giving it up in another. These are Hauptman’s framework and interpretation, not conclusions presented in the source as findings from a new study.
Hauptman says he once read an untidy house, an unwritten book or a meal that conflicted with a weight goal as evidence that he had failed. He now tries to see the “scrambled side” as a reminder that choosing one thing often means declining another. His closing story describes a cardiogram finding a blip that his doctor said might suggest a transient ischemic attack. Hauptman says he went to the emergency room, waited for tests and took a nap while there.
The Cost of Trying to Control Everything
The essay speaks to a common tension between finite time and competing demands. Hauptman’s argument is that people may feel unnecessary guilt when they expect every area of life to remain in order at the same time. Recognizing a tradeoff as part of a choice, rather than automatic proof of failure, is the personal shift he describes.
That distinction also defines the limits of the piece. It offers one writer’s reflection on control and acceptance; it does not establish how common the experience is or demonstrate that a particular approach will work for everyone. Its relevance is in naming a familiar conflict and showing how Hauptman says his perspective changed.
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Hauptman’s Rubik’s Cube Metaphor
Hauptman says he once envied a speed-cuber who could solve a Rubik’s Cube in about a minute, because he saw his own life as impossible to set right on every side. He connects that feeling to what he calls an addiction to control, defining control as the desire to make people, situations and outcomes conform to one’s expectations. He explicitly says he uses the term broadly, not only to describe bossy or domineering behavior.
The essay gives examples of tradeoffs that Hauptman believes can follow attempts to gain control in one area: a person using alcohol to manage feelings may develop a problem with alcohol; professional success may coincide with distance from family; and focusing heavily on children may strain a marriage. These examples are illustrative claims in the essay, not case studies with supporting details supplied in the source.
Hauptman is identified as a licensed clinical social worker and the author of Monkeytraps: Why We Try to Control Everything and How We Can Stop, published in 2015. The supplied biography says a revised edition is forthcoming but gives no publication date.
““Well, this isn’t what I want, but it’s what I got, so okay.””
— Steve Hauptman, quoting Sylvia Boorstein at the start of his essay
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Limits of the Personal Account
The supplied material does not give the essay’s publication date, independent reporting or research to test Hauptman’s broader ideas about control. It also does not establish whether the hospital tests confirmed a transient ischemic attack: the essay says a cardiogram showed a blip that suggested a possible TIA, then describes further tests without reporting their results. The source therefore supports only that Hauptman recounts a suspected warning and an emergency-room visit, not a confirmed diagnosis.
The piece is a first-person account, so readers cannot determine from it how widely Hauptman’s experience applies. The revised edition of his book is described as forthcoming, but no release schedule is provided.
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No Further Update Is Provided
The source gives no planned follow-up reporting, clinical findings or scheduled event tied to the essay. It says a revised edition of Monkeytraps is forthcoming, but provides no date. For now, the reported development is the publication of Hauptman’s reflection and the perspective he offers on accepting tradeoffs.
Any account of the medical episode beyond what Hauptman recounts would require additional information; the essay does not provide the test results or a confirmed diagnosis. Readers should treat its health-related detail as part of his personal story, not medical guidance.
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Key Questions
What is Steve Hauptman’s main point?
Hauptman’s main point is that people cannot meet every goal or responsibility at the same time. He says acknowledging the tradeoffs may help a person stop interpreting every unmet demand as proof of failure.
What does Hauptman mean by control?
He defines control as wanting reality, other people and outcomes to conform to one’s needs and expectations. He says he is using the term broadly, not only to describe domineering behavior.
Was Hauptman diagnosed with a transient ischemic attack?
The supplied essay does not report a confirmed diagnosis. Hauptman says a cardiogram showed a blip suggesting a possible TIA and that he went to the emergency room for tests, but he does not provide their results.
Is the essay based on a new study?
No study is cited in the supplied material. The piece is Hauptman’s personal reflection and interpretation, supported by anecdotes rather than presented research findings.
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